This week on the newsstand: Brad and Angelina are building a panic room and Katie Holmes is a fashion copy cat. 
Life&Style
Most Likely to Forget Where They Are
Earlier this week InTouch reported that the Jolie-Pitt family have chosen to root in Los Angeles, but according to Life&Style the Brangie Bunch is preparing for a permanent move to Chateau Miraval, their mansion in the South of France. The Where’s Waldo? of celebrity families is apparently having a panic room installed in their French chateau, because, well, because they can. Says InTouch, “Walls are lined with ballistic fiberglass, which can stop bullets, and the room includes an air filtration and ventilation system to protect against chemical, biological and nuclear contaminants.” Simple peasant folk can take comfort in this extravagance by remembering that if the world does succumb to apocalypse, only our prettiest will survive.
Also in Life&Style
The tabloid world has no breaks for Katie Holmes. Not only does she get flack for raising daughter Suri Cruise as a spoiled princess, but now she’s being accused of stealing her style from an actual (almost) princess. The magazine features a spread comparing several of Katie’s recent outfits with similar ones worn by Kate Middleton—4 years ago. Among Katie’s style steals: a long tan trench, a polka dot shirt, and jeans. Jeans! Next time you wear them, remember—Kate Middleton did it first.
Jennifer Aniston says she and George Clooney should get married.
Would Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney make a good couple? That’s the question that’s got gossips in a tizzy after Aniston jokingly suggested the friends should just get married and “shut up the world.” There’s been no word yet on what Clooney’s girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis thinks of this joke, but Aniston seems to be suggesting it would kill two birds with one stone: she’d get a husband, and she and Clooney would no longer have to fend off marriage questions.
She told Red magazine, "That would definitely shut up the world. I could call up George, say, 'Hun, let's just get hitched and have kids.' I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this. Ha. Well, no."
Angelina Jolie displays her latest tattoo, a tribute to her partner Brad Pitt.
If you could carry Brad Pitt with you everywhere, would you?
Angelina Jolie knows how to keep her man on her at all times, and she does, in tattoo form. The actress, who has the coordinates of her six children’s birthplaces tattooed on her left arm, was recently spotted in Tunisia with a new, seventh line of numbers. Almost as soon as the extra sequence was identified, speculation began about where the next Jolie-Pitt baby was coming from.
But a new report from InTouch says that the tattoo actually bears the latitude and longitude of Brad Pitt’s Oklahoma birthplace, and signifies “family unity.”
This week on the newsstand: Camilla, the jealous Duchess of Cornwall, starts an ugly campaign against her future stepdaughter-in-law, Ricky Martin travels with an elderly lady, and Hollywood doesn’t have enough men for Jennifer Aniston. 
Star
Most Dastardly Use of Foie Gras
The more people grow to love Kate Middleton, the more her future stepmother will hate her, according to Star. “Kate’s the new people’s princess, the new Diana, and Camilla’s back to being the ugly stepmother,” a source tells the magazine. But if Kate thinks she can cruise by on smiles and goodwill alone, she has underestimated her “monster-in-law”. Camilla has already made her first move against Kate, whom she secretly calls “Kate Simpleton”, says Star. The royal smackdown started with a classic stepmonster tactic: get the little pretty to eat something…poisonous! Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened, but Star does allege that Camilla encouraged Kate to order foie gras at a recent lunch, even though Prince Charles has banned the controversial dish from royal menus due to its inhumane method of production. “Kate was mortified to have insulted Charles that way,” wrote the notorious fabricators at Star said a source, “But it was exactly what Camilla had hoped would happen. She wants Kate to get a taste of what it’s like to be criticized in front of the country.”
Katie Holmes talks to Ellen DeGeneres about daughter Suri Cruise’s predilection for X-rated candies.
Katie Holmes is comfortable with surprising ideas. She’s a Scientologist. She lets her 4-year old daughter, Suri, pick her outfits. She believes her husband, Tom Cruise, is “helpful and sweet and gracious.” But there’s one surprising word Katie Holmes cannot bring herself to say: penis.
Katy Perry’s mom is reportedly shopping a memoir that details how her daughter’s risqué act has affected her Christian ministry. 
Katy Perry’s mom wants her daughter to raise people’s spirits, but not in a sexy way. If she had her way, Katy Perry would be using her performance talents to lead faith healing sessions and Christian sing-a-longs. But instead the saucy pop starlet croons about kissing girls and melting figurative popsicles, and that doesn't jive with her mother's evangelical ministry.
Last week the New York Post reported that Katy Perry’s preacher mom, Mary Perry Hudson, has been shopping a proposal for a book about her famous daughter. This week the New York Post has obtained an actual copy of the proposal, which includes Mary Perry Hudson’s thoughts on her daughter’s frequently exposed breasts and “foul-mouthed” husband, Russell Brand.
This week on the newsstand: Suri Cruise has a serious sugar problem, Kate Middleton is desperate to gain weight and Oprah Winfrey’s mom is revenge blabbing. 
InTouch
Most Likely to Enter Baby Ford Rehab for Sugar Issues
Who cares if she’s only 4 years old? Suri Cruise gets what Suri Cruise wants, and what Suri Cruise wants is sweet, sweet sugar. It’s not just penis-shaped gummies that grab the tot’s attention, says InTouch. She has cupcakes for breakfast and ice cream, cotton candy and hot cocoa whenever she wants. But all that sugar and spice have not made Little Miss Cruise very nice, says the magazine, which presents a photo collage of Suri’s manic spurts of energy, withdrawal tantrums and sugar hangovers. She’s already acting like a child twice her age, and I wonder, what’s next for the precocious tot? All-night Bieber sing-a-longs?
Also in InTouch: What’s her bikini age? Bikini-wearing stars and pseudo-stars are rated for their bikini ages in this 2-page spread that proves little more than an extended dig at granny panty clad Ke$ha. At 24, Ke$ha was the only featured star whose bikini age (35) was higher than her biological age. Big winners were Courtney Cox (real age 46, bikini age 28) and Jenny McCarthy (real age 38, bikini age 23). Hopefully this is just the beginning of InTouch’s summer-themed coverage, as I’m excited to learn about celebrities' real flip-flop ages and what their hamburger toppings tell us about their personalities.
TMZ unearths footage of Whoopi Goldberg talking about the ‘wonderful joint’ she smoked before accepting her 1991 Oscar. 
Poor James Franco. Between completing his PhD at Yale, promoting upcoming flick Your Highness and juggling multiple future film projects, he’s got a lot on his plate. But that hasn’t stopped the world from speculating about his sobriety at the 2011 Oscars. Truth be told, he did seem…vacant. But last week Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch cleared the air of any perceived marijuana scent and confirmed that James Franco was not high at the Oscars. But do you know who was? Whoopi Goldberg.
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