This week on the newsstand: Camilla, the jealous Duchess of Cornwall, starts an ugly campaign against her future stepdaughter-in-law, Ricky Martin travels with an elderly lady, and Hollywood doesn’t have enough men for Jennifer Aniston.

Star
Most Dastardly Use of Foie Gras  
The more people grow to love Kate Middleton, the more her future stepmother will hate her, according to Star. “Kate’s the new people’s princess, the new Diana, and Camilla’s back to being the ugly stepmother,” a source tells the magazine. But if Kate thinks she can cruise by on smiles and goodwill alone, she has underestimated her “monster-in-law”. Camilla has already made her first move against Kate, whom she secretly calls “Kate Simpleton”, says Star. The royal smackdown started with a classic stepmonster tactic: get the little pretty to eat something…poisonous! Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened, but Star does allege that Camilla encouraged Kate to order foie gras at a recent lunch, even though Prince Charles has banned the controversial dish from royal menus due to its inhumane method of production. “Kate was mortified to have insulted Charles that way,” wrote the notorious fabricators at Star said a source, “But it was exactly what Camilla had hoped would happen. She wants Kate to get a taste of what it’s like to be criticized in front of the country.”

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Justin Bieber fans go on internet tirade against Esperanza Spalding, whom they believe stole his Grammy.
If we ever doubted the power of the internet as a champion for the people’s will, the past month has proved it. In Egypt, strategic use of Facebook and Twitter helped bring demonstrators together to usher in a new era of democracy, while in established democracies, citizens use the internet for even nobler causes, like razzing that beeyotch who stole Justin Bieber’s Grammy.

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Here’s another one for the “only in Hollywood” files: Jennifer Aniston’s dog has been diagnosed with depression. Apparently Norman, a 15-year old corgi-terrier mix, has become so disgusted with incessant Brangelina coverage in the Star magazines he uses as pee pads that he ran away from his shared home with Aniston. At least, that’s what I think happened. Until Paris Hilton’s people invent the dog-translator, we’ll never know exactly why he ran away, but we do (apparently) know this: his actions have landed him in doggie therapy.

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If you’ve wondered where Lauryn Hill has been hiding for the last 10 years, here’s your answer: she’s been getting a mani-pedi. The 90s songstress is back on tour, and apparently she hopes to resuscitate her legendary diva antics alongside her career.

According to The Washington Post (via contactmusic.com), the Doo Wop singer kept fans at the recent Rock the Bells festival waiting three hours before she took the stage. But don’t worry, Lauryn Hill fans—she had a good reason. She couldn’t make her scheduled 4:30 appearance because her nails were still drying. For real. Her rep later explained, "She's sorry she kept her fans waiting, but she couldn't go out there looking busted (unattractive)!"

I’m not sure what kind of nail technology Lauryn Hill uses, but 3 hours? Really? I’ve never had to wait longer than an hour for a mani-pedi to dry, but then again, my nails are done at regular salons for regular people—oh, who am I kidding?—they're done on the floor of my bathroom atop a copy of Star. Maybe Lauryn gets her nails coated in diamond dust or the crushed shells of extinct sea creatures and those special features take a long time to dry, but still—3 hours? And just why did she need her nails done for a concert? It’s not like anybody actually gets that close.

To make things worse, when she finally did appear on stage, she rushed through her hoarsely sung set, performing for no more than 20 minutes and leaving to a chorus of boos.

Remember the glory days, when Hill’s diva antics were balanced by a steady output of rocking music and solid concerts? Sadly, the singer who once brought us these lyrical gems: "I have no time for manicures/With you it's never either or/Cause nothing even matters no more" has found something that matters more. Manicures.